A broke girl with a bucket list

Pretentious Purple Oats

Pretentious Purple Oats


Things to jazz up ur oats

  • Like 1/3 cup of quick oats bc breakfast already takes long enough to make.
  • Sprinkle of black chia seeds. Don’t hate me.
  • Too much cinnamon
  • 1 cup of almond milk (plus extra for stirring in later)
  • Way too many frozen blueberries
  • Whatever lemon juice you can squeeze out of the lemon half you’ve had in your fridge since Wednesday
  • 1 dodgy looking banana
  • The nut butter spread that you secretly really like


  • Put two pans on the stove at once, not realising this is a huge mistake because you cannot multitask to save your life. Pour too many frozen blueberries into one and squeeze lemon juice over the top. Make sure to include at least five lemon pips you can’t be bothered to pick out.
  • In the other pan, mix the oats, chia seeds and cinnamon together and add the almond milk so it just covers the dry mixture. Congratulate yourself on including chia seeds. Think sadly about how much the chia seeds cost.
  • The blueberries are smoking. Grab a wooden spoon (BIG mistake) and stir them every time they make threatening, bubbling noises.
  • Don’t forget about the oats! Stir them every time they start sticking to the bottom of the pan.
  • Spend too much time arranging your banana slices in the bottom of a bowl because you want to be an Instagram food celebrity.
  • Realise the oats are boiling furiously and the wooden spoon is now blue. Your housemates are going to kill you.
  • Add copious amounts of almond milk to the oats.
  • Keep stirring the blueberries until they reach a pleasant, syrupy consistency that looks kind of like something you saw on Masterchef once.
  • Mix the blueberries into your now unhappy oats bit by bit.
  • Stir until pale unhappy oats look happier and purple.
  • Pour happy purple oats over the banana and remind yourself that it doesn’t matter what it looks like, its the taste that counts.
  • Finish with a heaped teaspoon of the nut butter someone gave you during a healthy eating phase of your life.
  • Remember the nut butter is actually really good and add another teaspoon or so.
  • Snapchat oats to all of your friends to remind them that you know how to cook more than eggs on toast.

All images © Beth Howlett, 2017